The mind is a very powerful vessel in the body. It can allow you to do anything you wants to do and then it can stop you from doing anything you want to do. Unfortunately I have the latter of the two. I get very emotional when in certain situations and may be seen as stupid for reacting to it.
I have meant to do a post recently however all kind of excuses that my mind can muster up happened. A few events have occurred which has encouraged this post to be born. My telling people something and they either shoot it down or suggest I do something which is crippling for me. After this I get a great emotional flood and have to fight off tears. I know that the persons are right for what they say but I just cant bring myself to follow through. I then hammer myself with more self hatred than I normally do.I curse myself for not bringing myself to follow the person(s) advice, I curse myself for not having anything to say because I don't understand what is really doing on in my mind, I curse myself for wanted to cry but not doing it because I will appear stupid and weak.
I know that I put myself in position but I don't try to do it. It is just something that happens. I am encouraged to start something that I enjoy and fear interrupts first, then self doubt, then excuses, then I start to beat myself up because I am being so negative and that is where the tears come.
I disclosed some information to someone and their response had made me so uncomfortable that I began to cry (it was dark so the person was not aware of this). This pain just arises in my chest and then all these negative thought occur and it causes more physical pain than necessary. Persons say once you master the powers of your mind you can do miracles, but when you are always put down and in fear of that negativity it is hard.
I always say that I don't care what others think but it is a devil induced LIE! I am soo concerned on other persons thoughts I chose my career around it. Persons have even told me this Career is hard, and I said I can handle the hard work. What they didn't tell me was that the hard part was the fact that you had to be confident about what you do and know; and don't care what others think.
It is also said that the hardest critique is yourself. And it hurts even worst now because I am always criticizing myself and not doing anything about it because I feel like I am about to have a panic attack when taking action. Like my eyes jump, my chest hurt, tears come to my eyes and I just feel like dying.
However, I don't tell anyone this because I fear that I will be seen as just being mellow dramatic. That feeling is the worst, not being able to tell anyone. People just don't understand. They try and give you pointers and tips, not knowing that the issue is much worst and deeper.That whatever is going on is just a symptom of the real issue.
I have thought of meditation but the few times I have tried it even more negative thoughts come to mind. And they are the cause of all of my issues and fears. I have been put down in relations to all sort of situations that now I am too afraid to suggest anything. I would then put my health (mental and physical) at risk and when I tell anyone I am scolded and given advice on how to cure a symptom instead of the problem.
Well it seems like this is life and I either have to sit down and ride it out or try and change it. It is just am I strong enough to?
I know this would either be read and just seen as a silly rant or not read at all. But is what is going on in MY MIND. I have finished crying now and am left with a headache. I shall leave now to go and sleep and hope that I don't show signs of this tomorrow.
I was going to say more but the pain going on in my psyche is so outrageous that I shall save it for later.
OXXO
Mayeshah
