So I was talking with a friend of mine and trying to get her into my frame of mind in regards to my social life. Giving her scenarios of what may have triggered the reactions that I give off today. It didn't work because as she says everyone goes through something like that. I kinda wanted to scream and start crying because I just want someone to understand. But of course I just gave up and ended that attempt. My thinking however is always a negative and highly cautious process. I would like someone and then dismiss my feelings saying the person is most definitely taken or not attracted to me. I would feel good about myself and gesture or comment from someone could through my mind in a whirlwind of negative thought which will make me feel worthless and ugly. Sometimes no one has to do anything I would just feel worthless and ugly. These feelings used to be kept at bay by my being always in the social company of others. But then now that I am by myself most of the time my thoughts are just driving me mad. Shoot I used to have suicidal thought when I was younger and they are coming back with a vengeance.
I know there is a psychological explanation for how I feel and what I am experiencing now but how I see it is I am kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place. Where my mind giving off the negative and cautious thoughts and what I can and actually do. I want to do so much things but the words that I say or the thoughts that I have are just toxins and viruses destroying everything in it's path. Socially I feel stuck, career-wise I feel stuck, family I feel stuck. And I am now always by myself just to think which is making me crazy. I would want to invite people into my space but fear of rejection or a possible negative reaction causes me to keep to myself.
So I guess I have placed myself in a lose-lose situation. I needed to let these thoughts out and I know very few people, if anyone at all, will read this. So this is just a strange thought process that goes through my head.
A friend of mine had told me of this Anime called XXXHolic and one of the episodes mentioned how words and thought have power. Only when you stop saying those harmful words or stop making other person's harmful words affect you will you be free and enjoy life. So hopefully one day these thought will slip away and I will feel a bit better.
I had also spoken to a coworker and we also discussed that just like how you can zone out certain things, the ability to not take words and thought personally and take the power away from them.
OXXO
Mayeshah!!!
