Jealousy

Dear Readers,
It is sooo interesting learning new things about myself. Like the fact that I have mastered my way to hide my Green Monster. I am a very Jealous person and I get jealous over bullcrap. Then to not look like a fool or some kind of stupid jealous bitch, I would find something else to do or something to look at or zone out in order to not focus on the situation that I am jealous about. But recently I have not been able to control it. I am thinking about myself more and more and feeling more guilty every time. I would then just feel a heavy weight in my chest and I feel like I cant breath for a while.

Like if me and my friends are walking together and a guy calls one of my friends I feel really weird. I was talking to my neighbor and her cousin is on Island for Carnival. When my neighbor described her cousin I automatically felt jealous. Then she mentioned that at Jam Corner all the guys were trying to get her attention. I would have died and felt like I was worth shit.

I know I have a low self esteem, I try to make myself feel better. But I have grown to just ... put myself down before any form of jealousy comes into play. Hell it came to the point that it was easier to put myself down that to even bother with anything else. I do it with my closest of friends and some of the farthest of acquaintances.

Today I couldnt fight this pain. I couldnt put the wall up infront of this big Green Monster that I have been battling with for all of my life.

I also learn that I dont have a seductive sober bone in my body. When I am slightly tipsy (like 2-3 beers or 3-4 glasses of wine) I could be a seductress (I think even though I doubt it) But I was watching people and I dont think I could ever be the touchy feely huggy old me any more. I was MAD jealous about that today. I have never been able to allow myself to get comfortably close to a guy to say that I am being seductive. As well as the fact that I have no hobbies or skills (hell I dont play sports, instruments or do any art)... this is just like the topping on the cake. Gosh I am so worthless. Ok I must not say that but the truth hurts.

I guess That is all I gotta air out. However, I please dont want anyone to stop doing what they do just because of my inability to control my stupidity.

OXXO

Mayeshah!!