Wednesday, January 29, 2014

I just wanted to rant.

So... Tonight I got to the state of drunkness where I was sober enough to speak my mind and drunk enough to not care. However it seems like you must always care. One thing I learnt from a roommate of mine: Do what you want the ppl who care about it dont matter and the ppl who dont care are the ones who hang around.

I noticed when I am drunk I act like the roommate where she does what she has to do, whether it is curse someone for slightly pissing her off or just giving hugs because her spirit takes to you because you are cool. I enjoy this state of mind because you are able to sober up and step back and see differently from when you are sober.

Tonight I cried because I needed to. Tonight was the night that I needed to ball up in the fetal position and cry my eyes out. Wishing I had someone to rub my back and whisper to me that everything is fine but you just need to let these feelings out because even though you act strong you are as weak as a baby (puppy, kitten, kid). Weak!!! I dont know how to act. I always have to act the right way around certain ppl when in truth I just wanna act like me. I dont know who I am because I am not allowed to act like me. :(

Certain situations I just want to end it all. Just end it all. Whether it be dagger, pills or just liquid. Let it blur everything out until it is gone. Until I am gone.

I want to cry again. How could I feel this way. How could I feel this darkness in my soul. How can someone anyone make me feel so worthless and so ... unworthy. I am not dark enough, i am not light enough. I am not slim enough, I am not fat enough. I am not smart, artistic, unique enough. So I try. I try to be someone that I wish I was but never will be. But when I am who I am I am told to stop. I see who I want to be but I am told: NO!!! Be who I say to be even though I dont say what to be.

I am done.... they say music is the truth, well Linkin Park's Numb is what I am. I am to numb to give a shit when I am in this state. Soo numb that I dont know who I am, want to be, should be. I try to be what I wanna be but I will always be seen as wrong.

I try to let ppl in but they always want to fix me or dont even care. I just want someone to care. Please care. The thoughts of Papa Roach's Last Resort is come to mind but I know there is more. Some more. Some where. But I am not sure if here.

I. Am. Done.

OXXO

Mayeshah

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