In a Rut that i cant escape

Ok Today I tried to exit this rut that i have been in for the past few years!!! But it didnt work.

I went to meet the guy J and it was awkward because he didnt talk much about anything that would make me wanna talk. "So when we gonna hang out?" Seriously, that just puts pressure on me and makes me feel withdrawn. That is one reason I enjoyed hanging with Will because he would spend hours by the store and not expect to go out. He did test his luck but I am very slick when it comes to those situations. Even when i was talkin to G and Kem we would just talk and there would be not much when we gonna meet up. So I gonna give up on that since most of the hr I spent at the store he works in I didnt talk much!

Before that I went to buy some tix for my sister and I to go to Blue Jeans (a party that everyone wheres at least one thing that is blue denim). So After a situation tonite I dont even feel like going again but that is the good thing about buying the tix, it drives you to actually go to the event.

So the event that drove me even more to ranting like this is I WANTED TO GO TO THE BEACH :'(

;_;    ;_;     ;_;.

Now I know it just sounded like I was whining just now but when stuff like this has happened in the past that you are either needed somewhere or you have no transport or you just cant go It just hurts sooo bad that it is still happening. So I told my friend that I cant go and his response that literally made me wanna cry (and i actually started to cry) was " Oh well, we'll miss you ... not. Lol" That had ripped my heart out jusst now and I just feel sooo bad.

Then I thought about it. Since this is certainly not the first time it has happened in order to not feel this disappointment ever again I would just turn down any invitation to anything and make up an excuse for not going. So, now that I know the reason why I stopped going places or depending on people for stuff, I will just slip back into that lil mentality and move on with my life.

Plus, I have decided to become celibate. So I shall just keep to myself for a while and hope that I would slip out of this rut sometime soon. :(

OX

Mayeshah