Why I Put down myself, Who should I follow,Who is a worthless woman?

So the question of the day is why do i put down myself so much T_T


I seriously dont know. Maybe because I hate what i see right now. But then why dont I change it? Then again another excuse for not doing anything. I do have the slim in 6 but what is stopping me?

So today when one of the ladies at the store was leaving she was saying goodbye, and at the store we tend to make all kinda stupid jokes and crap. So she was saying Goodbye Mrs ______, Goodbye Mrs ______, Goodbye Ms Mayeshah. Then she said that I need to hurry and get married and my first response was where I gonna get a man? I need the man first? Then one of the other ladies said "You were in the states for how long and didnt get a man?"

My first response is "Those guys dont want me!!"

ALL 3 ladies started cursing me out saying I should not say that. I shouldnt wish that on myself. Shoot one of them threatened to stop talking to me :(

When they were cursing me out right then my eyes began to water and it took everything in me to not make it brim over.

So this thing is an unconscious thing where I fear hanging with guys and I automatically put myself down.

Then they were saying even if I go and get a kid just to prove that I am good. That is when all 3 ladies said that is basically what they did and they still love themselves and think that they are HOT!

I then noticed what they were saying was going against what my dad has been preaching in our heads since I was a lil girl "I dont want no bastard grandchild"

So that is the sub-question of the day:
Who should I follow?

Should I be smart and find a guy that will love me for me (who might never come along EVER) or should I live life and do what others are doing in a smart manner (Have kids and raise them properly whether or not there is a male figure in the picture)

But then again I agree with my sis, I not sure I want my child having my father as the sole father figure. I love my dad and all but some of my fears are erected by him. :(

And then the situation with fearing guys, I see ways of overcoming it but I not sure if I can do it without having more freedom. So If I am as smart as my JWU Degrees imply that I am I should get a job quick fast and in a hurry and gain the freedom that I really seek.

Another question: What makes a woman worthless????? When she is sleeping around with all kinda man or when she have a kid at a young age When a woman has such low self esteem that she cant even get a man and ppl begin talking about her saying she cant get a man? 

In both cases they both relate to other peoples perceptions of you but out of the 2 women which would be seen as the worthless woman? Well to one of the ladies where I am heading, the woman with such low self esteem that she cant even get a man is the worthless one!

Well I heading off to bed now so tttfn!!!

OXXO

Mayeshah!!!