Ok Saturday I was talkin to a girl who is presently in her final year of high school and she was telling me of her Christmas Eve Plans. Which included walking up and down the main street in the city and going partying and Dressing up "SEXY".
Since I am soo accustomed to working on Christmas Eve into Christmas morning at my mom's store. But then when i look back there are times I did envy my friends and wanted to just walk up and down and go to parties on Christmas Eve. And not only that but to dress up Sexy.
Because I am very self conscious about my body and all kinda other things.
When I look at myself I see this:
But it seems that when others see me they see something more like this:
But I want to dress more sexy to go with how I wanna feel. But I have such a terrible wardrobe to be dressing sexy on a regular basis. :(
There are times when I am like "Ohh who wants to look sexy anyway. Sexy is most def not for me." Then other times I am like "I wish I was a girl who can pull off shorts and a sexy top and not be thought of as FAT.
Friday I was called fat by just some random man who for all I know I might never see again. But then I was told that I shouldn't eat anything for the rest of the day (while eating mixed nuts as a mid-morning snack) by someone who I would consider as a close acquaintance. And that just hurts because this person always does it when I would eat anything around her. (and the mixed nuts was the only thing I had eaten up to that point in the day) . So after she had said that to me and she went back to where she works I couldnt help but think "maybe she is right. I am too fat and I should stop eating. I should just starve. Then I would be able to be slim." And during all these thoughts I just started to cry.
It hurts everytime that ppl are like "where you ah get fat go.""you are getting too fat""you eatin up all the food and not leavin any for your sister" " how come you so big and your sister is so small"
I try to not take it on but when ppl are throwing it in my face on a regular basis it hurts. Shit I am even exercising trying to lose the weight but still nothing.
So hopefully I can figure out a way to not only feel good about myself but to make myself look "sexy" so that I would feel happy and not resentful of all the "sexy" ppl around me.