FML

I am in this fog in my head again and I am not doing the things I want to do. Why do I do it cause that is the type of person I am. o_o Dont argue with me because of my decisions. I will just have to make up for my mistakes in my afterlife (or my next life). TOMORROW (well today) I will try to do something I wanna do!!!

Saturday I started to cry because I feel like I dont have any close friends here and I havent done anything in this place to say I had fun. We were walkin back from the sex presentation (i know i didnt talk about it much but i havent been feeling up to it) and the other 2 were basically running. Then when we were walkin back to Gaebe I never saw that part of town and they were like half a mile ahead of me while I am taking in the scenery. Normally if I am in a situation where I am somewhere new I want to experience it with someone but the other 2 were just talking and walking fast. Plus one of them was having man problems so I kept my feelings to myself and they got upset at me because of that.

Now tomorrow I am going to turn my heater over to the CA because it is CONTRABAND!!! And I am doing it because I am not in the mood to put up a fight. Now my friend N might be mad at me cause I dont fight especially when I want to be warm and I cant because (It heats up the whole apt) It is 2 against 1 in this battle of the heater. and I have classes with both of them. So I have conceded. Hell I know that if my window screen wasnt there I would throw it out the window. So in order to keep the peace I am changing who I am just so as not to cause a ruckus. If only people knew how upsetting it is to be here. The only time I feel good now is when I am cooking with the ppl in my Food Service class and when I am in my Art Class.

I have a tight pain in my chest right now because not only do i disappoint myself but I disappoint the people who love me. eg. When I disappointed my mom when I went to pick up one of my friends when she had an emergency. I can never wine. Tomorrow I will go downtown probably watch a movie and buy a bottle of wine and drink it somewhere since I cant drink it in the apt. I miss not having to try and be someone else for so long. I feel like I am going through another culture shock and I am not ever going to get over it.

I need to have a drink because this pain is really unbearable. I just want to smash something very hard. JUST destroy something. If I had a bat or a hammer i would demolish my TV but oh well.

I give up. AGAIN. As usual. But everyone says just a few more weeks. But just a few more days is hella more painful much less weeks. I will have to continue to wear this mask until it is time to go home.

OXXO

Michele :(